To the friend I lost
I don’t know why I’m writing this letter. I also don’t know if I will be able to complete it or not. The only thing I know is that this letter is going to be brutally honest. Because this is going to carry all those things I felt & realized in all these nine months without expressing anything in front of anyone. I am bound to believe that whatever had happened, happened for good. Because I always felt that our bond was all about sanctity and Saibaba can’t do any injustice to a friendship in which I had poured all my heart. The day I got the confirmation that you don’t want our friendship to last was the day I had lighted a dia in Saibaba’s temple in your name. It was your birthday and no festival had become more significant than this day since the day I met a friend in you. My conscience is mocking me now when I am using the word ‘friend’ for you. Because even an enemy can’t cause this much pain to me that you gave to me. Whatever, from my side, this bond was the purest without an iota of selfishness & dishonesty in it. So I won’t pollute it now just because you left. It was more than difficult for me to accept that there is nothing left between us. But how long could I run away from it when then the reality was standing firmly in front of me every day. There is not a single day in these nine months in which I didn’t cry. For the first few months, my tears were mischievous enough to run down irrespective of the time, place & persons present around. My parents were broken down seeing their daughter in that condition and I was unable to do anything about it. I had also the chance to be shifted to a distant place, but destiny was not ready to leave me so early without torturing me more. There was a time when my youtube feed was full of psychological videos & my mind was blank enough to think anything. But by now I have gathered all my pieces that you had shattered with the glue of my courage. It takes courage to cry the whole night & to behave like nothing has happened the next morning. It takes courage to see everything & to act as blind. It takes courage to swallow all the pain & not letting anyone guess anything about it. And for all these, I am proud of myself. I am proud that I didn’t take shelter under antidepressants, alcohol & suicidal thoughts in all these harsh days. I have stopped being a selenophile. I have stopped giving petnames to people. I have stopped saying anyone good night. I have uninstalled the music app whose playlist was all about our shared songs. I have learnt to hide things from my best friend. Because the day I cried in front of her, in her eyes I saw anger & hatred for you. I don’t want anyone to consider you as a bad person & to feel pity for me. I have met some new people all these days. Some have really put effort to be friend with me. But I have no more courage to be friend with anyone. I have listened somewhere that if you are wounded & you embrace anyone, you transfer your bloodstains to them also. I don’t want to do this to anyone. Your number is not on my contact list anymore. And I hope one day those ten digits will be wiped out from my memory also. Isn’t it funny how I used to save your name as ‘Aalways’ so that you will be alphabetically superior enough to top the phonebook! What a fool I was! You know what, this friendship day I opened a new account to dump all those writing I had scribbled for you. Because memories are too heavy to carry. I will bury all those there before I change my phone. Today I was scrolling my gallery & found this writeup which I wrote on 24th May 2020. I am posting it in my blog to feel myself elevated that I’m still able to write after everything has happened, after my treasure of trust has turned into ashes & I really wish that I will laugh one day after reading this.
Anyways, thanks for teaching me that people change, situations change & accordingly I have to change. Thanks for teaching me to never trust anyone, to never let anyone come close to me, to never keep anyone above myself. Thanks for making me visualise how this world really looks like. Your Monalisa still cares for you, adores you, misses you. But you can’t see those emotions in her face. She has become the same for you as she is for everyone. She has become Abhisikta for you also who never lets down her crown in front of anyone.
The friend to whom you never considered as a friend