Liberating love, Ruminating romance

I am happy that I have never experienced romantic love in my life. Because

  1. The person who loves me the most in the world and the person whom I love the most in the world are not different, but the same. He is my baba. I genuinely feel it. I am not afraid of him. But I don’t have the courage to tell him that I have chosen a man for myself without their approval & I want him to put a tick mark on my choice. You may consider it as a normal thing & name it independence. But I will tag it as my adamance & disobedience towards my baba and will never be able to forgive myself for this. I never want him to feel that his Ruchi has grown up too much to decide about her own life. I want to be his little girl, always. So I am happy that I have never opened the door for romantic love. What if it would have been threatened the security of my baba’s love towards me!
  2. I have been listening for years from mami that she will choose the best life partner for me. And once she must have felt that God listened to her wish. But I didn’t listen to her. Starting from clothes to the jewellery I don’t like the choices of mami. But when it comes to choosing her son-in-law, I have some faith in her because once she had chosen the best man for herself, my baba. I am happy that romantic love couldn’t lure me till date. What if I find the right human for myself in mami’s choice!
  3. I always wish all my kisses, hugs & cuddles of that kind to happen with a single person. I wish to share my first, last & all romance with that single person. I can’t bargain with the purity of my heart, soul & body. You may call me outmoded, orthodox or whatever. But I am the way I am. When my friends tell their stories & claim that sex talks, sex chats & touches are normal in a bf-gf relationship, I feel myself blessed for never diving into a romantic relationship to date. Because I always believe that some things are traditionally most beautiful.
  4. Investing the most beautiful possession of heart on someone is not an easy task for a girl like me who often gets confused whether to pick kulfi or cone, whether to go for black forest or butterscotch, whether to select kalakand or milk cake. And the walls around my heart are so tall that not everyone can climb that, enter into my palace & discover the taste of my heart. I am happy that none has yet invaded the kingdom of Abhisikta. That is still sacred & safe.
  5. I am not the girl whose beauty fits into the frame that every boy makes for his dreamgirl. I just look average. But in every stage of life, there were some boys who made me feel that my existence in their lives is their utmost need and my ignorance towards their emotions made me a heartless girl in their eyes. Later I see those same boys falling in love with prettier faces than me. I am happy that I never thought of reciprocating their feelings. What if they left me broken!
  6. I can keep my hair uncombed for three days if mami doesn’t scold me. Because I don’t have to attend video call, to send selfies & to go on a date with anyone. I can devour oily & sugar products like insane without fearing weight gain. Because I don’t have anyone for whom I should maintain a sexy figure. I can read for the whole night & sleep for the entire morning. Because I don’t have anyone who will dip in my eyes & notice the dark circles. I am happy that I can embrace my bad habits & not so good appearance without getting insecure. Because I don’t have someone who can make me blush by saying “Abhisikta! You are beautiful.”

I am sad that I have never experienced romantic love in my life. Because

  1. Plato said – “At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet”. You mean writing about love is the easiest of all genres. (Sigh)Trust me, It is the toughest task for me. Because writing about love & romance is all about my imagination, observation & interpretation as I have no practical experience. I do struggle to steal stories from the lives of onscreen & offscreen couples. This makes me sad because I also want someone whom my thoughts will chase, whom my poetry will worship, who will lend emotions to my words, who will make me feel each word I write about love, who will see less a writer, more a lover in me.
  2. I believe that love is all about growing together, holding each other firmly when the struggles party in front of you. I always dreamt of a partner who will accept my vulnerability, insecurity, failures & will hug me tightly in my low moments. I always dreamt of a partner who will uncover the deepest core of his heart in front of me, who will share all his tears & fears with me. I am sad that destiny has not yet allowed me to meet such a man. It hurts, but I have already convinced myself ” Dear, your struggles are yours only.”
  3. When babamami talks about my marriage, I literally feel that I couldn’t make a boyfriend in these 24 years, so arranged marriage is the only door open for me in which I have to enter for the sake of sprinkling peace in my parents’ home & hearts. The thought of holding the saucer with ten teacups, the thought of appearing absurd interview infront of ten strangers, the thought of getting scanned from head to toe by ten pairs of eyes, the thought of talking to a new person that too in a mature & conscious manner just scare me so much that I feel like my breathing will stop. Do I really deserve this! Does the girl who leaves everything aside when it comes to studies deserve to give such an interview! Does the girl who always becomes a kid infront of the persons she loves deserve to behave matured in front of the person whom she is going to marry!
  4. Sometimes when I see the love birds doing things without caring about the societal values, without informing parents, my mind considers them as culprits. But sometimes I think if one won’t do dare & silly things in youth, then when. Because love is not civilised, it injects you with wilderness & craziness. I am sad that I could never experience how it feels to go on a date telling lies to parents, how to gaze at each other forgetting the judgement of society, how to be brave enough to let my lubdub beat in synchrony with that of another person.
    ©ruchiabhisikta